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Well Gordon played Rene, the shifty French cad

chasing pretty young maids, yes I know it’s quite sad

but it was all for the Resistance where his loyalty lay,

oh and the French and the Germans, and all who used his café

And Rosemary played Edith, with her ear piercing singing,

the dancing, the face pack, those dresses were minging,

she got all her lines out and got a great laugh,

but the singing, no danger to Edith Piaf

It was Kirsty as Mimi, the cheeky French tart,

egg whisk, rhubarb and fly swat, “entertaining” was her art,

one minute she’s dancing, serving Cognac and pate,

but confronted with the Fuhrer, she would use her Karate

Rene’s other lover was played by Louise,

her Yvette was quite racy, always “ appy to please”,

 she was not one to mess with ,as Alberto found out,

one fly pinch of the bottom, was returned with a clout

Michelle from the Résistance was played by our Karen,

A nun, and a tart offering love in Rene’s barn,

with cigars and some batteries, she “would say it only once”

poor Rene missed his chance, the silly French dunce

John B played the copper who left us all groaning

with those handcuffs, that truncheon, and you remember, “Good moaning”

he carried some poaches and a bicycle pimp,

 a rubber doll, and a sausage, my my, props didn’t skimp

Herr Flick, could only, be played by one man,

 it was Bill, with his legs and those shorts and that tan,

the limp and the voice and the lack of a grin,

were nothing compared, to that squeaking violin!

It was Helga, the temptress that Linda did play,

her first target, the Colonel with that dreadful toupee,

then Captain Alberto was next on her list,

then Herr Flick, half the air force, not one did she miss

Thomas Larraser, our Bavarian star,

once got roasted by Lana for going too far,

he would goosestep and march and make it look easy,

and he ate Salami, which made us all queasy

Now Bob who played Gruber; He’s a talented fella,

but I panic, when I catch, the whiff of vanilla,

he minced on and off, winking at Rene,

but was always alone, when spending a penny

It was the plan of the Colonel, played by stalwart Bill P,

with his wiglet and hair dye, we’re not fooled, we could see,

to retire with a French girl, win the war, get the glory,

what with Rene, the Resistance, it’s an unlikely story

Young John was the captain, who makka da love,

he would pose, goose the girls, get a slap and a shove,

with a hat full of feathers and his sickly cologne,

the girls were not crazy, yip, they left him alone,

The part of the airman, who was hidden in the cellar,

 was our Robert, but there’s more, from the talented fella

that Parrot which talked, with its beak full of millet,

just one man for the job, he was happy to fill it

The second airperson was Liz our blond belle,

 that moustache and the suit were all fake, could you tell?

her cameo role was the cinema peasant,

and young Norma, the Swede, my wasn’t that pleasant.

Our hats off to Donna, who was peasant, number two,

and the prop girl and the runner, served us tea and irn bru,

assistant stage manager does not rhyme very well,

 so I left it, in the middle, was it obvious, can you tell?

The ladies in costume, and the technical crew

Pat Brennan and Richard, oh Dorothy too,

Keith, Dora, oh I give up, you all know who you are

just well done, your all brilliant, mines a pint at the bar

It was Lana’ s production; she left us all reeling,

“ Do it once more, with the lines right and for Gods sake with feeling”,

she pulled it together ,it was a romping success,

how she did it , with us lot, is anyone’s guess

You may wonder why, I saved me till last

take the glory, steal the limelight, hoist my flag up the mast

well I wrote this, so sod you, it’s a bit of a perk

yes its me, ah you guessed, it is I, Leclerc

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